My thoughts begin racing. Streaming faster and faster through my brain until I feel sick to my stomach. Commitment. The very word makes me cringe. I don't want it to. I want to be comfortable with just being with someone. I hate the nervous habits, the shaky hands, and the nauseating thoughts that plague me in his presence. He is a truly sweet guy. Probably one of the best I've stumbled upon on this rocky road. I should be thinking about how he really listens to me when I talk and how he laughs at my stupid jokes. I shouldn't be thinking about crying and having a breakdown because the very thought of me walking down an aisle scares me to death.
I can't buy a house with someone and wake up to them everyday. I can't discuss what to have for dinner with someone I am romantically involved with.
Or is it just him, no matter how nice he is?
There is one boy who changed my life. He gave me hope in love again but he's quite unavailable, like he always has been. I thought for a long time my feelings were my own, until tonight.
Chris and Ben told me of how when I fell asleep next to him the other night, he played with my hair and rubbed my back in such a loving, caring way. They said it was so sweet to watch.
I miss him. I miss him terribly. If I could I would call him right now just to see if he would come spend a night with me. But I'm not going to call because it would only cause drama.
Maybe in the future....maybe it will finally work out between us.
Until then, I am left trying to decipher why I am so afraid of committing to certain people. Why I am so afraid so that I get to a point where I am actually sick and dizzy.
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what's wrong with me?
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